Gotta Fear ‘Em All: Our Top 10 Creepiest Pokémon

Pokémon; those cute, cuddly super-pets that we all grew up with. I can’t even begin to count the number of nights I spent gazing into the flickering light of my Gameboy Colour, desperately trying to paralyse a wild Abra or frantically chucking Ultra Ball after Ultra Ball at a Graveler. It was a video game and television series that took up a large chunk of my childhood, and I hazard a guess that many readers will be able to relate.

So, in honour of Pokémon’s 20th anniversary this year, I thought it only fitting to dedicate an entire post to the Top 10 Creepiest Pokémon in the canon. And trust me, there are a lot of them. After four solid hours of sorting through the online Pokédex, I can proudly say that the list is finished and I’ve successfully staved off adult responsibility for yet another day. Thank you Pokémon, you saviour of 90s kids who simply can’t face the crippling thought of mortgages, career options, and a life outside of their parents’ house.

  1. The Original Child Catcher: #425 Drifloon, The Balloon Pokémon

250px-425drifloonAt first glance, Drifloon looks harmless enough. It’s basically just a purple balloon with a mop of whipped cream on its head and some tape on its face. Its vacant stare and cute, little heart-shaped hands don’t exactly inspire one with a sense of impending dread. But they totally should.

First of all, Drifloon is a Ghost-type Pokémon, which immediately raises it in status from “incredibly dangerous children’s pet” to “soul-sucking emissary of the damned”. Ghost-type Pokémon are invariably evil and filled with a deep-seated hatred for mankind, mainly because they’re the souls of dead Pokémon who kicked the bucket solely because a bunch of kids decided it would be a fun idea to engage them in a fight to the death.

Yet in the Pokédex it specifies that Drifloon is not just made from the spirits of dead Pokémon, but also from the souls of people who have passed away. In other words, that balloon that just floated past you could contain the soul of your recently deceased grandma. And that’s not the end of it. Supposedly it “tugs on the hands of children to steal them away” and “children holding them sometimes vanish”. So yeah, not only is this balloon possessed by the angry souls of those who failed to pass on, but its sole purpose on this earth is to kidnap children. Nice Pokémon, nice.

  1. Welcome to the Twilight Zone: #487 Giratina, The Renegade Pokémon

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Giratina is a legendary Ghost/Dragon-type Pokémon that wields almost inimitable power. With its ragged black wings, piercing red eyes, and copious array of decorative spikes, you wouldn’t be blamed for thinking that it resembled the harbinger of death himself. It’s known as the “Renegade Pokémon” because supposedly it was so violent that it was banished to a place known as The Distortion World, where common sense and knowledge have been warped beyond all recognition.

If that wasn’t weird enough, it silently gazes at our world through a portal and can only manifest itself in an ancient cemetery. There’s something oddly tragic and disturbing about the image of some huge, heaving creature, with power beyond the realm of comprehension, staring at us through the void and waiting soundlessly for the chance to be released.

  1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Insects: #292 Shedinja, The Shed Pokémon

250px-292shedinjaShedinja was one of those bizarre Pokémon that you sort of acquired, rather than actually caught. The only way to get one was to evolve a Nincada into a Ninjask while having a spare space in your party, and suddenly a Shedinja would just…appear.

It looks kind of like a sad, little ladybug with an adorable halo floating over its head, but don’t let its appearance fool you. It’s another Ghost-type Pokémon and, as such, its primary purpose is to straight up ruin your day.

Shedinja is essentially the hollowed out shell of an insect that has, for whatever reason, come to life. According to the Pokédex, it apparently “flies without moving its wings” and “does not breathe”, which I can imagine is pretty unnerving for those of us who are used to seeing things fly with wings and breathe. You know, like everything else on earth.

And it seems Shedinja is pretty sensitive about the fact that it’s…well…kind of dead. If anyone peers into the crack of its back, it is said to “steal one’s spirit”. So, in this case, curiosity isn’t going to just kill the cat; it’s going to have its soul sucked out through its eyes. Lovely.

  1. The Candle that Burns the Brightest: #607 Litwick, The Candle Pokémon; #608 Lampent, The Lamp Pokémon; and #609 Chandelure, The Luring Pokémon
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Litwick wants to reduce its carbon foot-print, by burning your soul

This trio of terror may simply look like a bunch of household furnishings to you, but they’re more than just a stylish way for wealthy people to keep their homes lit. They form an evolutionary trio and all have two things in common: they are Fire/Ghost-type Pokémon and they all subsist off of the life force of mankind. I’m not even kidding.

Litwick supposedly shines its light and pretends to be a guide to those who are lost, but this is a clever ruse. It leads its victim into a dark corner before absorbing their life energy and using it as fuel. Evidently the roasted souls of the damned are a more economic option than oil. Lampent takes this whole deathly charade a step further and hangs out around hospitals, waiting for the moment of death and then siphoning off the person’s spirit like a hillbilly sucking on a gas hose.

250px-609chandelureYet, unsurprisingly, it is the big bad Chandelure that takes the cake for “most horrifying ceiling ornament”. It hypnotises anyone it comes across and sucks out their souls, leaving the discarded husk of a body behind like a crumpled soda can.

When they burn up a person’s essence for fuel, it is believed that their spirit will “lose their way and wander this world forever”. So, while the rest of us are basking in the comforting and totally not ominous flickering of those skull-shaped flames, some poor sap is wandering through purgatory wondering why it seemed like a good idea to have sentient chandeliers.

  1. I Wanna Be a Real Boy: #064 Kadabra, The Psi Pokémon

064kadabra_os_anime_2Now Kadabra is a Psychic-type Pokémon, meaning it wields telepathic powers that allow it to bend spoons, solve difficult puzzles, and induce unexpected, splitting headaches in passers-by. Why a creature that possesses the ability to move a car with its mind would want to serve a bunch of preteens as their pet-slave is beyond me, but Kadabra’s undeniably spooky qualities are not.

Supposedly, when a Kadabra is close by, clocks will start running backwards and shadows will begin appearing on television screens. Looking at either of these phenomena will cause the viewer to experience extreme bad luck. Yet perhaps the weirdest feature of this spoon-wielding sage is its origin story.

According to the Pokédex in FireRed, it says: “It happened one morning – a boy with extrasensory powers awoke in bed transformed into Kadabra”. Basically Kadabra is like some freaky reverse-Pinocchio. So if you find that your kid has taken a sudden liking to your cutlery drawer, I’d say keep an eye out.

  1. Let’s Lickety-Split: #93 Haunter, The Gas Pokémon; and #94 Gengar, The Shadow Pokémon

250px-093haunterGastly, Haunter, and Gengar are essentially legends in the Pokémon canon. They were the first and only Ghost-type Pokémon to be made available to us Gen 1 hipsters, so they hold a special place in many of our hearts. Yet, while Gastly is merely a ball of all-consuming noxious gas, his evolutionary forms are far more sinister.

Haunter is said to be from another dimension and has the capacity to pass through objects, but has a penchant for hiding in walls and jumping out at unsuspecting victims. It lurks in the darkest corners of rooms, waiting for children to pounce on and lick with its mighty tongue.

250px-094gengarIn fact, it’s considered such a threat that its Pokédex entry even comes with this warning: “Haunter is a dangerous Pokémon. If one beckons you while floating in darkness, you must never approach it. This Pokémon will try to lick you with its tongue and steal your life away”. Hey kids, have fun playing this children’s game, but just don’t approach this one Pokémon or it’ll straight up murder you.

Yet, not content with simply being another brick in the wall, Gengar opts for a different tact. It pretends to be your shadow and hides behind you, waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. And, even if it doesn’t decide to kill you or if you manage to ward it off, it’s still capable of casting a curse on you. Because life just wouldn’t be worth living without the constant, impending threat of being hexed by a chubby demon.

  1. The Roofie Twins: #096 Drowzee; and #097 Hypno, The Hypnosis Pokémon

250px-096drowzeeLooking like a cuddly baby tapir and a piece of anti-Semitic Nazi propaganda, Drowzee and Hypno seem like an odd couple to have made it onto this list. Heck, they don’t even feast off the souls of the living. The only thing these cheeky chappies really like to eat are…our dreams.

Yep, these Pokémon use their hypnotic powers to lull people to sleep before gorging on their innermost fantasies. As if that wasn’t creepy enough, apparently Drowzee prefers to eat children’s dreams because they are “tastier” and, if you sleep next to a Drowzee for long enough, it will eventually show you some of the dreams that it has sampled. Kind of like wine-tasting, only with LSD.

250px-097hypnoAccording to the Pokédex, “if your nose becomes itchy while you are sleeping, it’s a sure sign that one of these Pokémon is standing above your pillow and trying to eat your dream through your nostrils”. I don’t know about you, but I’m really not okay with that.

And, while Drowzee’s just a fan of children’s dreams, there was supposedly an “incident” in which a Hypno actually hypnotised and kidnapped a child. Breaking-and-entering, stealing, and child abduction; all healthy ingredients for a successful children’s game.

  1. Ask Not For Whom The Bell Tolls: #355 Duskull, The Requiem Pokémon; #356 Dusclops, The Beckon Pokémon; and #477 Dusknoir, The Gripper Pokémon

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This is the second evolutionary trio to make it onto our list, and what a trinity of torment these guys are. With very little euphemism or sense of delicacy, it’s basically implied that these three Ghost-type Pokémon are essentially the Grim Reapers of the Poké-World. Duskull spends most of its time wandering around in darkness, using its one, beady red eye to strike fear into anyone who dares look at it. When it fixates on a target, it “will doggedly pursue the intended victim until the break of dawn” and it is rumoured that children who don’t listen to their parents will be spirited away by this skull-faced scamp. Oh, and let’s not forget that it “loves the crying of children”.

Dusclops, on the other hand, has a little less substance. Quite literally, since it’s effectively just a black hole with some bandages floating around it. As such, Dusclops is able to absorb anything into its body, but “nothing will ever come back out”. Its favourite pastime is to steal the soul of anyone who dares peer into its hollow body. Kind of a recurring pattern with these Ghost-types, don’t you think?

As the most powerful and most thinly-veiled euphemism of the three, Dusknoir has an “antenna on its head [that] captures radio waves from the world of spirits”, which it apparently uses to determine whose living soul it should harvest and drag back to the underworld. See what I meant about the whole “Grim Reaper” thing?

  1. All My Friends are Dead: #562 Yamask, The Spirit Pokémon; and #563 Cofagrigus, The Coffin Pokémon

250px-562yamaskIt would be almost pointless for me to try and explain why Yamask is so unbearably upsetting, since the Pokédex appears to have done the job perfectly already. This is the genuine, no word of a lie description of this “fun” friend and companion from a children’s game: “Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry”.

These are the souls of dead people, who are doomed to wander the earth carrying a mask of their human face and serve any hapless child who happens to trap them inside of a Pokéball. Imagine spending the rest of eternity as a slave to some snot-nosed child, and you’ll understand why I find this particular Pokémon so horrifying.

250px-563cofagrigusAnd, when it comes to its evolutionary form, things only go from dark to darker. To be honest, I’m not sure whether it’s appropriate to have a coffin-themed anything in a children’s game, but I guess that’s why I’m not the one with the billion dollar game franchise.

Cofagrigus is an animated coffin that loves nothing more than to “swallow those who get too close and turn them into mummies”. That’s right kids. If you’re lucky enough to capture the wandering soul of someone doomed to weep at their lost humanity, be sure to train it up and you’ll be treated to a man-eating casket!

  1. It’s More Than Just Child’s Play: #353 Shuppet, The Puppet Pokémon; and #354 Banette, The Marionette Pokémon

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When it comes to the stuff of Poké-Nightmares, this dastardly duo has pulled the strings and scraped their way to the top of our list. They’re an unholy combination of perhaps the two most terrifying types in the Pokémon Universe, Ghost and Dark, so it comes as no surprise that they’d have a befittingly unsettling backstory. Shuppet is basically just an animated puppet who feeds off dark emotions, such as jealousy or vindictiveness. Like a murder of crows, gatherings of Shuppets can supposedly be seen under the eaves of houses where people harbour these ill-feelings. So if you thought that was just mould under your gutters, think again.

Banette, on the other hand, is a whole other kettle of rotten fish. According to its origin story, it was supposedly a child’s doll that was abandoned and thrown in the trash. Its desire for vengeance was so strong that it eventually came to life and it is fuelled by an unquenchable hatred. It can be found roaming dark alleys and garbage dumps, searching for the child that threw it away so that it can finally exact its revenge. It generates powerful dark energy by sticking pins into its own body and it can never open its mouth, otherwise its soul would escape. In short, maybe next time you should consider putting your children’s old toys into the garage, and hope they don’t achieve sentience.

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I’m coming for your soul, kids

Honourable Mentions

When compiling this list, there were so many worthy Pokémon who just didn’t make the cut, so here are a few of our honourable mentions: Cubone, the Pokémon who wears the skull of its dead mother and perpetually cries over her loss; Cacturne, known as the Scarecrow Pokémon because it stays perfectly still during the day and only moves at night, chasing its victims down until they can no longer move; Phantump, a rotten tree stump that was possessed by the spirit of a child who got lost in the forest and died; Gourgeist, a gigantic pumpkin-like Pokémon that sings joyfully when it observes the suffering of its prey; and last but not least Yveltal, a legendary Pokémon that has the power to absorb the life force of all living creatures and essentially summon the apocalypse.

What did you think of our list? And which Pokémon do you think deserved a place on it? Please let us know in the comments!

Gotta Fear ‘Em All: Our Top 10 Creepiest Pokémon

Last Year in Fear: Our Top Picks for Horror Media in 2015

Even without the stellar horror releases that littered the media landscape, 2015 was a pretty terrifying year in of itself. France suffered the Paris Attacks; the US was subject to nearly 300 mass shootings; and large parts of England appear to currently be underwater. The outlook for the planet isn’t great and, since North Korea apparently decided to ring in the New Year by setting off a nuclear bomb, the fate of the world is hanging by an ever thinner thread. So why, in light of all these real dangers, should you be excited about media that was designed to scare us? Because it gives us an outlet, a way to release all of that pent up fear in one hour-long frenzy of pillow-hugging, squealing, and violent popcorn throwing. So, as 2016 gets underway, take the time to indulge in a few of last year’s horror titles and feel the terror slip away. Let’s just call it Shock Therapy.

Film

Although a lot of critics would disagree with me, I personally thought that 2015 was a strong year for horror in film. On the one hand, you had the numerous tacky sequels, reboots, and remakes like Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (yes, I really hate Paranormal Activity, thanks for noticing), Poltergeist, and Sinister 2. But, on the other hand, we were treated to some top quality horror titles reminiscent of 2014’s The Babadook and Oculus. Without further ado, here are my top film picks for 2015:

  1. It’s Behind You – It Follows

8385_poster_iphoneIt Follows was one of the most intelligent and impressive horror films that I’ve seen in decades. It combined an original story-line with a winning cast, stunning cinematography, and a soundtrack so provocative that I still get shivers down my spine when I listen to it. That being said, it tends to be one of those films that divides opinion. Some people, myself included, were willing to accept the film’s slow-pace and ambiguous ending because the journey was ultimately more important than the destination, while others were disappointed at the lack of closure and what they perceived as lazy “filler” scenes. For that reason alone, it’s definitely worth watching since, whether you like it or not, it’s sure to create a debate. For a broad perspective (and some spoilers!), we recommend reading Slash Film’s review, which you can find here, and Variety’s review, which you can find here. Alternatively you can read our review (with no spoilers) here.

  1. Who Needs the Summer of Love – Spring

9af64d532c3cdfe6304e627e2d210dfeSpring is a romantic sci-fi horror which, if anything, makes it reasonably unique in the horror community. Like It Follows, Spring tackles an unusual story-line and its success in doing so, or lack thereof, has similarly divided public opinion. The score is beautifully simplistic, the cinematography is undeniably opulent and visually nourishing, the acting is superb, but the strangeness of the story and the use of that age-old, hackneyed “scientific” explanation has disappointed many viewers. As such, it makes for another fantastic watch since it’s sure to stimulate your brain cells and leave you wanting more. We recommend reading The Missing Reel’s review here, or alternatively check out our review here.

  1. You Better Watch Out, You Better Not Cry – Krampus

krampus-2015-horror-movie-posterKrampus is one of those films that puts a smile on my face every time I think of it. And that’s a relative miracle, considering I despise comedy horrors. My major bone of contention with this subgenre is that they’re often just comedies. If you can just bung a few scary moments or horror tropes into an otherwise non-scary film and call it a “comedy horror” or a “fantasy horror” or (dare I say it) a “Disney horror”, then Scary Movie, A Nightmare Before Christmas, and Pan’s Labyrinth would all be considered horror movies. Where Krampus ultimately succeeds as an actual comedy horror is that the horror and comedy elements are perfectly balanced. The film is funny and scary in equal measure, leading to several moments where my brain became desperately confused as to whether I should laugh or cry (or wet my pants). Like Gremlins and Poltergeist, it’s the perfect gateway horror film for the younger generation and one that people of all ages are sure to enjoy. We recommend watching Red Letter Media’s video review here, or you can check out our written review here.

Honourable Mentions – Goodnight Mommy and Bone Tomahawk, both of which I have yet to watch but have been phenomenally well-reviewed.

Television

Unlike the horror film scene, which has gone from strength to strength, it seems that horror television has really let the side down. There were very few fresh or new series’, leaving us only with stale continuations of franchises that are doomed to (hopefully) burn out in the near future. Don’t get me wrong, I love American Horror Story and The Walking Dead as much as the next person, but sometimes it really does feel like they’re flogging an undead horse. I’ve caught myself yawning my way through whole episodes or, in one instance, falling asleep in an almost upright position. At this stage, if I fall and crack my head open while watching, I’m going to consider suing these guys for “risk of criminal boredom”.

  1. Let’s Get Groovy – Ash vs Evil Dead: Season 1

ash-vs-evil-dead-posterIn amongst horror television behemoths like TWD and AHS, Ash vs Evil Dead stood its ground as one of the most anticipated horror series to grace our television screens. The show sees the return of notorious horror hero Ash, played by the ever enigmatic Bruce Campbell, as he forgoes a much deserved retirement and returns to his one true passion: fighting off evil Deadites. As a comedy horror, the show mixes fun and fear in equal measure, with enough hilariously over-the-top gore to give any of the Evil Dead films a run for their money. What started off as an unexpectedly popular and incredibly low budget festival film has spawned into one of horror’s greatest legacies; and this latest edition proves to be one of the best yet. We strongly recommend you read The Missing Reel’s reviews, as they’ve been following the series episode by episode. You can find their summary review here.

  1. You Can Count on the Countess – American Horror Story: Hotel

8d2a54303c3a74432a9b91af4b1b142fAfter the crushing disappointment of Freak Show and the looming threat of Wes Bentley’s soul-suckingly dull return, my hopes for Hotel and for American Horror Story in general were all but dashed. In many ways, my misgivings were well-founded. Wes Bentley did in fact prove to be one of the worst leading men that the series has ever championed and, like Freak Show, it seemed that the season would largely depend on a sequence of unconnected, exploitative scenes that were designed to shock rather than create a coherent and interesting story-line. That being said, thanks to the superlative acting of Denis O’Hare, Evan Peters, and Kathy Bates, coupled with the intriguing character of the Countess (Lady Gaga) and the eventual development of a solid and stimulating storyline, the season seems to have turned its luck around. It’s certainly not one of their best, but it’s probably not their worst. Probably. We recommend you read Nouse’s episode by episode reviews here, but be forewarned that they are full of spoilers.

  1. A Netflix Unoriginal – Scream: Season 1

tumblr_ngjisf4r8v1u4whbwo1_500Let me be candid here, just because Scream has made it onto my top 3 list does by no means indicate that the series is good or that I liked it. It was simply the lesser of several evils. Scream is one of my all-time favourite movie franchises, and the thought of watching an abortive televised attempt to bleed it dry troubled me deeply. Particularly since beloved horror director Wes Craven tragically died last year, leaving behind an illustrious legacy that could be deeply marred by such an unnecessary reboot. Yet marred it was not. To me, this Netflix original series (which was actually and unsurprisingly produced by MTV) was kind of like a well-choreographed train wreck; it was awful, but I somehow felt compelled to keep watching. In fact, I watched the entire first season in less than two days. It essentially copies several major story elements from the original films, but the key to its success is that it never takes itself too seriously. It makes no claim to be as good as its predecessors; it’s just grade-A TV schlock for teenagers. And, as such, it’s ultimately entertaining, so long as you take it with a pinch of salt. We recommend you read Bloody Disgusting’s incredibly well-balanced episode reviews here, which are chock full of delicious spoilers.

Honourable Mentions – The Walking Dead: Season 6 and Penny Dreadful: Season 2

Video Gaming

2015 may not have been the most prolific year for horror gaming, but lack of quantity was definitely made up for by superb quality. Although the Top 3 games I’ve chosen for 2015 may have been some of the only ones to come out, they certainly made an impression on me and are worthy of any top list, regardless of their release dates.

  1. The Butterfly Effect – Until Dawn

ce3aa35b3dac605f3b543700356c89f8Although it only represented about 8 hours of solid gameplay, Until Dawn was one of the best horror games I’ve ever played. Within the first few weeks of owning it, I had already played it through three times, which goes to show just how little I value my free time. The key to the game’s brilliance is in its Butterfly Effect dynamic. The choices you make in-game will drastically affect the outcome of the story, so much so that certain characters will either live or die. What I loved about Until Dawn was that it inverts your expectations, toying with the behaviours that you will have learnt from other games. When a character dies, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve “failed”; just because the game is telling you to do something, doesn’t mean you should automatically do it; and sometimes exploring the whole area for clues and opening that cellar door simply because “it’s there” isn’t always a good idea. For an ultimately negative but still well-rounded view, we recommend reading Polygon’s review here. If you want something a little more positive, check out our review here.

  1. Let’s Get Digital – Soma

150922094246490097From the makers of the outstanding horror titles Penumbra and Amnesia comes Soma, a sci-fi survival horror about the ramifications of developing AI (Artificial Intelligence). It’s been far too long since we’ve seen a good sci-fi horror game and, in 2015, it seems horror fans were in for a real treat. And what a treat Soma was. As character Stephen Garrett, you find yourself trapped in a submerged research station known as PATHOS-II. The game’s underwater vibe is reminiscent of Bioshock, a game that didn’t exploit its horrific elements nearly as much as it could have done, and its futuristic facility setting evokes scenes from Dead Space. However, like the Amnesia series, the point of Soma is not to fight, but to hide. What follows is a subtle yet disturbing exploration into humanity, providing deep and probing layers of fear that go far beyond what you experience at face-value. We recommend you read Game Rant’s review here.

  1. It’s Like I Have ESPN or Something – The Vanishing of Ethan Carter

eathan-carterFor all of you citizens of the PC master race, I realise that The Vanishing of Ethan Carter technically came out in 2014, but for console plebs like myself it wasn’t playable until 2015. The game follows paranormal investigator Paul Prospero, who receives a worrisome fan-letter from 12-year-old Ethan Carter and is prompted to visit Ethan’s home in Red Creek Valley. The game’s graphics are stunning and the world that surrounds you evokes imagery of the New England countryside, making you feel as though you’ve just been dropped into a Stephen King novel. And the similarities to King’s work don’t end there. Like the fictional town of Derry, Red Creek Valley is a beautiful place with a dark secret. The Vanishing of Ethan Carter might not be the scariest horror game in the canon, but the intrigue it produces in the player is undeniable. As you become more wrapped up in the fate of Ethan, you feel yourself slowly disappearing down a rabbit-hole that may have no end. Playstation Lifestyle’s review, which you can find here, describes these elements in far more detail.

 

Last Year in Fear: Our Top Picks for Horror Media in 2015

Rosemary’s Babe: Our Top 5 Horror Hotties

In order to keep up the gender balance, we’ve dedicated this week’s post to lining up the top 5 hottest women in horror. From the scream queens to the kickass heroines, the horror genre has more babes then you could shake a machete at. Whether they’re running from chainsaw-wielding maniacs or setting zombies ablaze, they somehow manage to look damn fine while fighting for their lives. So we’d like to pay tribute to those beauties who take on the beast and make survival look sexy.

  1. Manuela Velasco, REC, REC 2 and REC 4: Apocalypse

Manuela Velasco Díez is the sultry, Spanish senorita who first skyrocketed to fame with her horror debut as television presenter Ángela Vidal in the zombie (?) film REC. Her performance earned her a Goya Award for Best New Actress and cemented her status as smoking hot survivor. Not only that, but this found footage horror garnered great success as a fresh approach to the somewhat hackneyed zombie subgenre, earning it three sequels and a relatively horrific (incredibly horrific) American remake known as Quarantine.

But, as with many remakes, Quarantine simply wasn’t as good as REC and, still more tragically, Jennifer Carpenter just couldn’t match up to the endearing vulnerability of Velasco. Spanish truly is the language of passion, and Velasco’s smouldering stare could stop the hungriest zombie in its tracks.

  1. Jamie Lee Curtis, Halloween, Halloween II, Halloween H20: 20 Years Later, and Halloween: Resurrection

When your mother happens to be Janet Leigh, whose one woeful night in the Bates Motel is now ingrained in the psyche of many traumatised 60s kids, you’ve got some pretty big horror boots to fill. And fill them Jamie Lee Curtis did as Laurie Stode in the infamous slasher flick Halloween. Overnight this unassuming beauty evolved from onscreen extra into teenage horror dream and world-renowned scream queen, starring in subsequent horror films such as The FogProm NightTerror Train, and Roadgames.

Unfortunately this flirtation with horror would be relatively short-lived, as she soon smoothly and successfully made a firm transition towards the comedy genre with her role as Ophelia in Trading Places. Yet horror junkies will still remember her as that bushy-haired blonde with the longing, wistful stare, killer smile, and legs that won’t quit, especially when being chased by a psycho in a William Shatner mask. We’d like to get Freaky with her on Friday, or any given day of the week for that matter.

  1. Jessica Lange, all four seasons of American Horror Story

Up until the 21st century, Jessica Lange’s brief affair with horror had begun and ended solely with her portrayal of the dashing (albeit oddly named) dame Dwan in the 1976 remake of King Kong. Yet 2011 saw her suddenly and violently renounce her stereotypical image as the damsel in distress as she took on the role of the darkly calculating Constance Langdon in American Horror Story: Murder House. From laxative filled cupcakes to out-and-out murder, Lange’s portrayal of this scheming ex-Stepford Wife shed her good girl image faster than you can say “explosive buttercream diarrhoea”.

Since then she’s scared us sacred as the fearsomely strict Sister Jude Martin, bewitched us as the Coven Supreme Fiona Goode, and proved just how freaky she can be as circus owner Elsa Mars. With her icy stare, commanding tone, and perfectly coiffed blonde locks, she’s a villain that’s far easier on the eyes than she is on her victims. Her perfect blend of femme fatale elegance and dominatrix kinkiness will be sorely missed in American Horror Story: Hotel, but here’s hoping there’ll be a saucy cameo thrown in to give us our Lange fix.

  1. Milla Jovovich, Resident Evil, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Resident Evil: Extinction, Resident Evil: Afterlife, and Resident Evil: Retribution

Milla Jovovich is arguably the only redeeming feature of the Resident Evil movie franchise, but what a redeeming feature she is. After all, when your second film is called “Apocalypse” and your third is called “Extinction” yet you still manage to squeak a fourth, fifth, and sixth instalment out of the post-apocalyptic world and supposedly extinct human race, you’re not doing a great job with the whole film continuity thing, to put it lightly. Here’s hoping that Resident Evil: The Final Chapter isn’t a complete misnomer. That being said, if there’s more Jovovich on the cards, we’ll probably still be watching.

In her debut as Alice, the bedazzling private security operative with the saucy red dress and infuriating lack of connection to the original video game series, she showed that she could be as badass as the ensuing sequels would be terrible. From her plump pout to her bondage-inspired outfits, she’s living proof that every apocalypse deserves at least one smoking hot model to lighten the mood. No wonder all those zombies keep chasing after her with their tongues hanging out.

  1. Sigourney Weaver, Alien, Aliens, Alien 3 and Alien: Resurrection

Winning combinations come in all shapes and sizes, from peanut butter and jelly to tight white underwear and horrifying monsters with acid for blood. In fact, Sigourney Weaver was largely praised for challenging expected gender roles in her portrayal of the quietly powerful heroine Ellen Ripley in the 1979 film Alien. After all, this savvy warrant officer comes head-to-head with one of the most dentally challenged creatures on earth, a terrifying, two-mouthed alien known as a xenomorph, and still manages to keep her cool.

Since attempting to reason with it clearly wasn’t the answer (imagine trying to talk with two mouths), Ripley proceeds to dispatch the beast in nothing but a white vest and what appears to be either a pair of undies or perhaps just a large handkerchief. Because it would be undeniably less exciting had she done it in a puffer jacket. With her big brown eyes, perfectly chiselled jaw, and palpable onscreen presence, Weaver was an instant hit with both the gentlemen and the ladies. God forbid there’s anyone out there who wouldn’t trade places with Charles Dance but, if there is, they’d certainly change their minds after watching Alien 3.

So, what did you think of our list? Which horror hotties do you think we’ve missed out? And don’t forget to check out our top 5 list of horror hunks!

Rosemary’s Babe: Our Top 5 Horror Hotties

Dawn of the Dead Sexy: Our Top 5 Horror Hunks

Horror is not a genre synonymous with beauty, nor is it terribly well-known for its powers of arousal, yet every so often the horror community is blessed with the odd horror hunk; a piece of man-candy so tasty that it makes the bitter pill of terror just that bit easier to swallow. From the knife-wielding psychopaths to the goofy heroes, horror is full of characters that interest us, excite us, and ultimately endear themselves to us. And a tight six-pack here or there doesn’t hurt either. In light of all this, we’ve decided to count down our top 5 hunks in horror. For the record, sexy though Alexander Skarsgård may be, we won’t be acknowledging Vampire Diaries or True Blood as horror titles because they’re just terrible. Just terrible.

  1. Mads Mikkelson, Hannibal the TV series

Mads Mikkelson has recently managed to melt butter onto our freshly roasted hearts with his portrayal of the titular character in the Hannibal TV series. With his stately slim physique, crisp Danish accent, and cold, calculating charm, he’s undeniably one of the sexiest cannibals we’ve ever come across. After all, who wouldn’t want a man who could whip up a delicious soufflé or a mouth-watering steak and human kidney pie at the drop of a hat?

In a bizarre twist, Mikkelson originally trained as a gymnast and even went to a ballet academy in Gothenburg to pursue a career in athletics before finally settling for the far more mundane and accessible world of acting in 1996. Since then he’s wowed audiences with his icy stare, cool demeanour, and sleek performances as that villain we all love to fantasise about. When it comes to Mads Mikkelsen, no matter what’s on the menu, we’re sure it’ll be tasty.

  1. Patrick Wilson, Insidious, Insidious 2, and The Conjuring

Patrick Wilson is probably one of the only men on earth who can look hot in a knitted sweater, and that’s pretty impressive in of itself. After all, when you’re wading through a nightmarish world called The Other or exorcising demons from the body of a country housewife, you probably don’t have enough time to keep up with the latest fashion trends. So what if he gets a little sweaty when faced with a few spooks or the thought of Ellen Page with a pair of scissors (obscure Hard Candy reference), he still looks damn fine while doing it.

This All American heartthrob began his career in Broadway, earning two Tony Award nominations for his roles in The Full Monty (2000–2001) and Oklahoma! (2002). Alright, so singing and dancing is perhaps not the most obvious segue into the horror genre, but we’ll forgive him for the unconventional approach because he has the face of a puppy and the eyes of an even cuter puppy. We’ll happily let him snuggle up to us in his cosy knits and sing us to sleep, especially if a repeat performance of The Full Monty is on the cards.

  1. Evan Peters, all four series of American Horror Story

Evan Peters endeared us as the psychopathic teenager Tate Langdon, proved he was perfect husband material as Kit Walker, and showed us just what his chunky crab hands can do as Jimmy Darling. Wait a second, crab hands? Okay, so the costume designers at American Horror Story may not always favour our dimpled cutie, but he’s managed to claw his way up to our third spot nonetheless.

Yes. Yes we do.

Peters’ big break came when he took on the role of Dave Lizewski’s nerdy best friend Todd Haynes in the painfully awesome superhero film Kickass. He was gawky; he was awkward; in short, he was hardly the kind of guy who inspires visions of white horses, tall towers, and knights in shining armour. But his debut in American Horror Story: Murder House as the deeply troubled, brooding teenager Tate was another horror story entirely. At the time, he caused a veritable lust-filled storm but, not content to leave us all both traumatised and aroused just once, he’s starred in every season since. Here’s hoping we get his room key in the upcoming AHS: Hotel.

  1. Norman Reedus, all 5 series of The Walking Dead

Who needs a breadwinner when you’ve got a man who could catch a fresh squirrel for dinner every night? As the rugged and mysterious bow-wielding Daryl Dixon of AMC’s (once) stellar TV series The Walking Dead, Norman Reedus has managed to trap not only several rabbits, but also our hearts. He’s the bad boy with a soft gooey centre; the zombie apocalypse’s answer to Bear Grylls; with his steamy gaze and seemingly perpetual thin-layer of dirt, he’s about as clean and sexy as the average outdoorsmen gets.

Yet The Walking Dead wasn’t Reedus’ first flirtation with horror; this love affair began much earlier with roles in Guillermo del Toro’s Mimic (1997) and Blade II (2002). His most recent horror foray, the survival horror game Silent Hills, was tragically cancelled but we strongly believe that there will always be a place for him within the horror community. After all, when your television screen is plagued with scenes of hideous zombies, you need a little piece of man-candy to sweeten the deal.

  1. Bruce Campbell, The Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness, and Ash vs. Evil Dead

Bruce Campbell is living proof that, like a fine wine, some things really do get better with age. While his debut as the torturously unibrowed Ash Williams in The Evil Dead was undoubtedly endearing in an awkward sort of way, he didn’t immediately register on the horror hottie scale. Since then he’s appeared in everything from Fargo to Spider-man, and has picked up a few tricks along the way. A winning smile; a cheeky wink; a silver fox swagger that only comes with years of experience. In short, in his 57 years, Bruce Campbell has gone from beautician’s worst nightmare to that friend’s dad who everyone secretly fancies.

Stay groovy, Bruce

And his sheer, unadulterated grooviness appears to have reached fever pitch in his reprisal as Ash Williams in TV series Ash vs. Evil Dead. With chainsaw in hand (in hand? on hand?) and his beloved catchphrase at the ready, Brucey is back and better than ever. He’s charismatic, he’s funny and, best of all, he can kick evil’s ass. Let’s just hope that, after all that demon slaying, they’ll still be enough of ol’ Bruce to go around.

So, what did you think of our list? Which horror hunks do you think we’ve missed out? And who do you think will feature in our Top 5 female horror hotties?

Dawn of the Dead Sexy: Our Top 5 Horror Hunks